Wednesday, August 13, 2014
Last night I lost my baby girl (My husky)
This is what I posted on FB to pay a tribute to her. This is my girl in happier times.
This is her hours before she passed.
The last weeks I have had dreams of the passing of my loving and trusted companion Raptor Lil-Lady. Although we both spoke different languages, she being a Siberian husky, we had long ago crossed over into an inter-knowing. Many days, not a word was said and yet, each felt the ties that instinctively conveyed as they washed away any fears the other might have. Where I went, she was following right behind me. If I was gone very long she would show signs of depression. It was the same for me. I was always worried about her when I was gone.
Today I had to put my best friend to rest. They called it “end stage renal failure” but they might as well of called it limbo, for that is where I have been ever since hearing those deafening words. Renal failure! I would rather they had taken my life than having to hear those words but what I wanted didn't matter. If it had, she would have been given a miracle drug and she would be chasing butterflies as we speak but, instead, I am crying and she is gone.
I saw her deteriorate throughout the day until finally she couldn't even hold down water. I held out hope because she was still urinating. When she couldn't keep from vomiting water, I knew there was nothing I could do. She would die unless I got her help. Help is what I went for. Help is what I wanted. What I got was a kick in the face. She was dieing and it was up to me how she went. Calmly or in great pain. I wanted time - only years I told myself -but there were only minutes to make the decision.
I couldn't see through my tears, nor could I catch my breath. My head was swimming through a sea of what ifs. Now there was no time left for what ifs, only that decision to take her life or watch her suffer. A painful death. Contemplating such a decision would take me years and yet my time was up, so I leaped, without a safety net into a large dark crevasse. You might say I took the cowards way out but I pray it was the right decision for her. I was there when she took her last breath, with my loving husband close by. They might not of always gotten along but in the end she welcomed his gentle touch as we both worried over her.
In the final moments of her ten year life, she was quiet and seemed at peace. When the shaved her arm, my whispers started in her ear. “I am so sorry. I love you. It will be alright.” They rang through her ears for the next few moments and until it was over. My final words were, “I am so sorry. You will be alright now.” She went hard. It wasn't a peaceful passing and my heart ached for her.
On the way home Eric tried so hard to comfort me and show me there was still a future, but I am ashamed to say I really do not remember a thing he said. Still he seemed comforted by my crying tapering off into sobs and finally into deep exhales that felt as if each were my last. The car ride had given me time to close off the world and shut down inside.
As I walked back in the house wanting nothing more than to see her face peer around the kitchen table, but she didn't. I walked into the den, where she would spend her time with me, and all that was left was the last of what she had thrown up as we were leaving to take her to the vet. Being the next thing to do, and all I could think was do the next thing so, I wiped up the mess as I broke out once again into a full fledged cry. Then I sprayed some rug cleaner and with each scrub, those cries came a deep exhales, reminding me of her dieing breaths. As I scrubbed in a now almost robotic motion, sobs filling the air. I swear I could see me from slightly above, watching, sharing the pain of loosing my little girl. At that second, I think I could of taken my last breath and let go happily, but I didn't. I must of made a decision because suddenly I was pushed back into my body as I scrubbed away,
To me, Raptor was the child that never left home. The old woman I could tell anything to, knowing my secrets were safe. My best friend and my biggest worry. She had filled my life every day for as long as I care to remember. We had always worried about each other, cared for each other and in her final hour I venture to say she was as worried about me as I was about her. Rest in peace Raptor Lil-Lady. She died at approximately 4:45 on the 12th day of August, in the year 2014. You will be missed.
In happier times she left me with these pictures
This last one is of her famous snub that she did when she was up set with me.